Hot Words

“What’s important to you?”

Sometimes I get asked a question and my answer is already prepared and ready to go. It’s probably an answer I’ve given many times before, and I keep it on mental file, perhaps updating it from time to time as my life moves on. When required, I can quickly locate it, hit my internal play button, and out it comes.

“What line of work are you in..?”
“Do you live locally?”
“Why are you so wonderful?”

Alright, maybe not that last one.

In this respect you are probably much the same as me. Such answers require little thought, and you certainly tend to learn very little about yourself.

Some answers however, are not on file, and require you to really consider your thoughts, attitudes and feelings before they can be verbalised. Sometimes these thoughts, attitudes and feelings form and crystallise as you begin verbalising the answer.

In fact I often find I don’t know how strongly I feel about something until I start talking about it. I might start my reply by saying “Well, to be honest I have no strong feelings one way or the other...”

Three minutes in however and I’m red-faced and blustering:

“AND I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE THAT NARKS ME RIGHT OFF ABOUT RUDDY POLITICIANS/KIDS/GLOBAL WARNING/CARAVANS” (delete as appropriate).

Much of what is really important to us is not in our conscious awareness. Such things often struggle to slot into our world view (which we tend to like to keep as simple as possible). Whilst we are busy living our lives, looking after our family, building a career or bellowing at the driver of the caravan doing twenty-five in front of us, they become muddled or are lost altogether.

Although our values might not be articulated, if we find ourselves having to do something that is fundamentally in opposition to them, we can feel a strong ‘pull’ within. It may feel like a ‘gut reaction’, a feeling of general unease or ‘something in your water’. Whatever the impression, it often makes good sense to pay special attention to these ‘pulls’.

Just as we tend to like people who are like us, we are particularly attracted to those who share our values. We will spend time with them, listen to them – be influenced by them. Another way to look at that fact is like this:You can influence others by reflecting back their values.

The next time you are talking to a colleague, are down the pub or with friends, try asking one of them:

“In life, what’s important to you?”

Or

“What’s important to you about your career?” or “Describe your perfect day?”

These are questions that very few people have pre-prepared answers for. They are questions that force the recipient to really think about their values, perceptions, priorities, aspirations and fears. Usually, the speaker will listen as keenly to their own answer as the listener, seemingly learning new and important things about themselves.

Within such answers some words and phrases will be repeated. These repetitions indicate the true values of this person, and, if reflected back will build a strong rapport – an unconscious bond – with them. Words such as:

Security
Happiness
Family
Independence
Achievement
Time

And there are many more.

Here’s an example of how value words can be reflected back as an influencing strategy:

Let’s say I’m recruiting for a job within my company and I really like one particular candidate – Bob. Bob however is still undecided as to whether he will take this job, or another he has been offered. So I ask Bob what he liked about his previous job.

In all likelihood this would initiate a fairly expansive answer, and I would listen carefully, picking out and remembering value-based or ‘hot’ words and phrases - particularly if I heard these words and phrases more than once. Bob’s hot words might be:

Challenging
Reward
Responsibility
Satisfaction
Development
Variety

A little further into the interview (I’d give it a good ten minutes or so) when I come to describe the role I am recruiting for, I would describe it thusly:

“Well Bob, ultimately, although the work is varied, I know our other managers get a huge amount of satisfaction from the challenges this role brings. There’s a fantastic opportunity for the successful candidate to really develop their skills and build a rewarding, challenging career – although they would have to be comfortable with a lot of responsibility…”

Manipulative? Not if everything I said to Bob was true. Not if I simply picked certain aspects of the role that reflected Bob’s values, and emphasised those over the others.

This ‘Hot Words’ technique can be highly effective if it is used judiciously, with honesty and respect.

So, the next time you and your partner are driving to the cinema and are considering which film to watch, why not try this rather clever technique:

“Darling, describe your perfect film...”